Cabbage Patch dolls were once ubiquitous. I have no idea if they are still sold today, but for the demented among you, there now exists Patch Town, a dystopian musical styled like a Russian fairy tale about the disturbing origins of Cabbage Patch Kids. Fetuses born from cabbage heads, they look just like human babies. Naturally, they were discovered in a dank forest by a Russian toy maker and frozen in a cryogenic steampunk cradle only to be distributed by storks and cherished by little girls around the world. Once abandoned by their adoptive “mothers,” they return to the Patch Town Enterprise gulag-factory, are restored to their living state and work the lines, ripping umbilical cords from cabbage heads in slave-like conditions. What’s not to love?
Co-writer and director Craig Goodwill is responsible for the twisted concept, originally an award-winning short film. It is part Toy Story, part Elf but wholly immersive thanks to its Soviet oppression and its lead, Rob Ramsay’s, mop top. Patch Town Enterprise is now run by the deceased toy maker’s jealous son (Julian Richings), referred to solely as Child Catcher. His leadership style involves an inordinate amount of Clockwork Orange-style re-education and strict rules about factory workers singing on the job. One such worker, Jon (Ramsay), battles this pitiable existence with childlike exuberance.
Not all of the mythos surrounding Goodwill’s story makes sense. Patch Town is a factory-town enclosed by barbed wire fences, and cabbage people only leave or return as immobile dolls. Yet the decidedly Soviet town is within driving distance of a contemporary city with normal humans and its own share of slum tenements. Jon, his wife and their black-market baby escape to this new world in the back of a tripped out Hindi van driven by a former cabbage baby (Suresh John). The goal is not only to escape Child Catcher but also to locate Jon’s “mother” (Zoie Palmer). All this while trying to avoid the police (aka the “fuzzy popo”). The story’s structural oddities, however, never take away from the film, but help cement its fairy tale origins.
Visually and thematically, Patch Town is exceedingly dark, but it counters this with unflagging whimsy and hilarious absurdity. It purposely ticks all the “children’s movie” boxes. Its hero is lovable, cheerful and, at times, just a big kid. He discovers candy and pops a dozen into his mouth, laughing maniacally. And, naturally, his new job in the big city is as a mall Santa. There are also sporadic musical numbers, though perhaps not enough to warrant categorization as a musical (especially since the “songs” in question are too short and have little bearing on the narrative). Patch Town plays like a marketing tie-in movie for Cabbage Patch dolls, only hilariously wrong on so many levels.
Don’t mistake Patch Town‘s endless genre influences or erratic tone as flaws in the design. The film simply reflects the overactive imagination of a child, coherence be damned. And its small budget in no way impedes Goodwill’s high concept. Unabashedly campy and deranged, Patch Town may end in a too-neat finale thanks to our golden boy hero, but the ride is unlike any a beloved children’s toy has taken before.