Way back in the distant year of 2004, a little movie titled Torque released in theaters. In hindsight, it’s clear that the film couldn’t have been more in on its own joke of parodying Fast & Furious. Featuring superbikes racing across trains and nitrous so extreme it breaks the laws of physics, Torque was an outrageous send-up of the series about street-racing extreme criminals, while also managing to entertain as a stylish madcap cartoon of a film in its own right. Ironically, the absurd action of Torque would be too tame for the franchise’s current state of Pontiac spaceships and car-throwing magnets.
Today, the Torque equivalent for modern Fast & Furious isn’t Torque. No, today that honor goes to the absolutely ridiculous xXx: The Return of Xander Cage (2017). Vin Diesel vanity project where every character and the direction seems to be in fawning awe of the man? A multiethnic international crew of highly-trained badasses who form their own “family” bond? Extreme high-octane sport meets over-the-top special agent action? Return of Xander Cage fits the post-Fast Five mold to a T, while director D.J. Caruso and second unit director Dan Bradley push those beats into the stratosphere. When a movie starts with Samuel L Jackson recruiting soccer star Neymar (as himself) as an xXx agent, followed shortly by Diesel skiing through the jungle, the tonal wavelength of this film becomes very obvious. There’s a plot here – something to do with a CIA weapon that turns satellites into plummeting missiles, and xXx needing to take down the rival team that stole the device – but it hardly matters beyond giving its characters a reason to hang out, chew the scenery and look as cool as humanly possible.
Even more than Diesel, the coolest person here is the legendary Donnie Yen, whose swagger and lightning-fast moves are shot with a clarity, intensity and reverent flair that Hollywood rarely affords to martial arts icons. (Unfortunately, Tony Jaa – as if one modern action legend wasn’t enough – doesn’t get nearly as much time to shine). Toni Collette hamming it up gloriously as the xXx program handler, Rubi Rose having the time of her life as a team’s sassy sniper, Nina Dobrev as the show-stealing quartermaster and resident Xander Cage superfan? Diesel may be the lead but the camera and script is enamored with the entire cast of Return of Xander Cage. Their chemistry is infectious while completely embracing the unabashed dumb-fun action that comprises this film. Right from the moment Yen plummets multiple stories to kick and gun-fu his way through a secret CIA meeting, it’s clear how much the crew behind the action cared about making solid popcorn entertainment first and foremost. Each subsequent set-piece one-ups the stuntwork absurdity until the agents are surfing waves on motorbikes, dodging highway traffic with parkour and engaging in zero-g gunfights inside a careening cargo plane.
xXx: Return of Xander Cage is plain fun and knows exactly what kind of film it is, immediately jettisoning all seriousness in the hopes that the audience gets onboard too. Maybe in an age where Ludacris entered orbit in a space-faring used-car and the Fast & Furious spin-off introduced super-soldiers, this film’s superspy spectacle will be more palatable, maybe even refreshing.
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